Understanding behaviour in relationships can be challenting at times. Sometimes we encounter behaviours in our day-to-day relationships that feel confusing or frustrating. This might look like: snapping at loved ones, avoiding responsibilities, shutting down emotionally, or becoming distant.
But human behaviour is rarely just about what we see on the surface. It is often shaped by deeper emotional patterns, stress responses, and past experiences that are not always obvious.
When we begin understanding behaviour more deeply, we improve not only our relationships, but also our self-awareness and emotional wellbeing.
What we see above the surface – anger, withdrawal, procrastination, or defensiveness is actually only a small part of the picture.
Beneath the surface often lies emotional overwhelm, anxiety or fear, shame or self-criticism, unmet emotional needs, and past experiences that continue to shape present reactions.
From this perspective, understanding behaviour in relationships is not random – it is often a response to internal emotional experience.
Viktor Frankl, the existential psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, suggested that human behaviour is shaped by the search for meaning. That is, how people interpret and respond to their experiences rather than reacting randomly.
Similarly, Gabor Maté argues that much of human behaviour reflects adaptive responses to early stress, trauma, and unmet emotional needs, often operating outside of conscious awareness.
Understanding behaviour in relationhips is often about recognising coping responses. The behaviour is rarely simply a choice or personality trait.
In relationships and in our day-to-day interactions, behaviour often communicates something that has not yet been expressed in words.
For example:
When we only respond to the behaviour itself, we miss the underlying emotional experience driving it.
In counselling, a consistent theme emerges:
Behaviour is rarely the core problem – it is a signal.
When we slow down our reactions and become curious about what may be driving behaviour, we create space for:
Understanding that a partner’s reactivity may be rooted in fear or hurt can shift how both people respond to each other.
Recognising internalised patterns can support a shift from self-criticism toward self-understanding of your own behaviour in relationships.
A helpful shift is moving from reacting to behaviour toward asking what may be driving it.
Pause and reflect – When someone frustrates or irritates you, ask yourself, “what could be happening beneath this?”
Observe patterns – Notice repeated emotional or behavioural responses over time.
Separate the behaviour from the person – Avoid labelling someone as “lazy,” “angry,” or “difficult.” Instead, focus on what the behaviour may be expressing.
Be curious rather than jump to blame – Ask questions rather than assuming intent.
These steps don’t excuse behaviour, but they shift the energy from frustration toward a more reflective response.
When we move from judgment to curiosity, something important changes.
We begin to respond less to the surface behaviour and more to the emotional experience underneath it.
This shift can lead to:
Even small moments of this awareness can meaningfully change how we relate to ourselves and others.
If you find yourself struggling to understand behaviour, whether in yourself or in your relationships, counselling can help you explore these patterns more deeply.
Therapy provides a space to:
If this way of understanding behaviour resonates with you, working with a counsellor can help you apply it in a more practical and supported way.
Book a counselling session with Mark in Joondalup to explore these emotional patterns in a supportive and practical way.
People’s behaviours are often influenced by emotions, past experiences, stress responses, and unmet needs that may not be obvious from the outside. A behaviour such as anger, withdrawal, or defensiveness may be a response to underlying feelings such as fear, hurt, shame, or overwhelm.
Understanding the reasons behind behaviour does not mean excusing harmful actions, but it can help create greater awareness and healthier responses.
Not always. Behaviour is often a response to what someone is experiencing internally rather than a direct reflection of what they truly think or feel. For example, someone who appears angry may actually be experiencing hurt, fear, frustration, or feeling misunderstood.
Looking beyond the behaviour can help uncover what may be happening emotionally underneath.
Repeated emotional patterns often develop as ways of coping with past experiences, stress, or relationships. These patterns may have once helped someone manage difficult situations but may no longer be helpful in their current life or relationships.
Counselling can help people recognise these patterns and develop healthier ways of responding.
Yes. When people become more curious about what is driving behaviour, rather than immediately reacting to it, communication can improve. Understanding the emotions behind behaviours can reduce conflict, increase empathy, and create opportunities for deeper connection.
This is particularly helpful in couples counselling, where partners can learn to recognise and respond to each other’s emotional needs.
No. Understanding the reasons behind someone’s behaviour does not mean tolerating harmful, disrespectful, or unsafe actions. It simply creates a clearer understanding of what may be contributing to the behaviour so that healthier choices and boundaries can be developed.
Counselling provides a safe space to explore emotional triggers, relationship patterns, thoughts, and experiences that may influence how you respond to situations.
By developing greater self-awareness, you can begin to understand why certain reactions occur and learn new ways to manage emotions and relationships.
Yes. Relationship counselling can help couples explore communication difficulties, recurring conflicts, emotional disconnection, and patterns that may be affecting the relationship.
By understanding what is happening beneath the surface, couples can work toward healthier communication and stronger connection.
Counselling may be helpful if you feel stuck in repeated patterns, struggle with emotional reactions, experience ongoing relationship difficulties, or want to better understand yourself and your responses.
You do not need to wait until things become overwhelming to seek support. Counselling can also be a proactive step toward improving emotional wellbeing and relationships.
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Mark Roussel is a caring and compassionate family man who is a highly-experienced family, and relationship counsellor.
I acknowledge the Noongar people as the traditional owners of the lands where I live and work. I pay respect to their elders, past and present.
