We often encounter behaviours that feel confusing or frustrating — snapping at loved ones, avoiding responsibilities, shutting down emotionally, or becoming distant.
In these moments, it’s easy to ask: “Why are they behaving like this?”
But human behaviour is rarely just about what we see on the surface. It is often shaped by deeper emotional patterns, stress responses, and past experiences that are not immediately visible.
When we begin to understand behaviour more deeply, we improve not only our relationships, but also our self-awareness and emotional wellbeing.
What we see above the surface – anger, withdrawal, procrastination, or defensiveness is actually only a small part of the picture.
Beneath the surface often lies emotional overwhelm, anxiety or fear, shame or self-criticism, unmet emotional needs, and past experiences that continue to shape present reactions.
From this perspective, behaviour is not random – it is often a response to internal emotional experience.
Viktor Frankl, the existential psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, suggested that human behaviour is shaped by the search for meaning – how people interpret and respond to their experiences rather than reacting randomly.
Similarly, Gabor Maté argues that much of human behaviour reflects adaptive responses to early stress, trauma, and unmet emotional needs, often operating outside of conscious awareness.
Together, these perspectives highlight an important insight:
Behaviour is often a coping response, not simply a choice or personality trait.
In relationships and in our day-to-day interactions, behaviour often communicates something that has not yet been expressed in words.
For example:
When we only respond to the behaviour itself, we miss the underlying emotional experience driving it.
In counselling, a consistent theme emerges:
Behaviour is rarely the core problem – it is a signal.
When we slow down our reactions and become curious about what may be driving behaviour, we create space for:
In couples counselling, understanding that a partner’s reactivity may be rooted in fear or hurt can shift how both people respond to each other.
In individual counselling, recognising internalised patterns can support a shift from self-criticism toward self-understanding.
A helpful shift is moving from reacting to behaviour toward asking what may be driving it.
Pause and reflect – When someone frustrates or irritates you, ask yourself, “what could be happening beneath this?”
Observe patterns – Notice repeated emotional or behavioural responses over time.
Separate the behaviour from the person – Avoid labelling someone as “lazy,” “angry,” or “difficult.” Instead, focus on what the behaviour may be expressing.
Be curious rather than jump to blame – Ask questions rather than assuming intent.
These steps don’t excuse behaviour, but they shift the energy from frustration toward a more reflective response.
When we move from judgment to curiosity, something important changes.
We begin to respond less to the surface behaviour and more to the emotional experience underneath it.
This shift can lead to:
Even small moments of this awareness can meaningfully change how we relate to ourselves and others.
If you find yourself struggling to understand behaviour, whether in yourself or in your relationships, counselling can help you explore these patterns more deeply.
Therapy provides a space to:
If this way of understanding behaviour resonates with you, working with a counsellor can help you apply it in a more practical and supported way.
Book a counselling session with Mark in Joondalup to explore these emotional patterns in a supportive and practical way.
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Mark Roussel is a caring and compassionate family man who is a highly-experienced family, and relationship counsellor.
I acknowledge the Noongar people as the traditional owners of the lands where I live and work. I pay respect to their elders, past and present.
